As I was driving home from work I received a call from my mother's cell phone.
It was my stepfather, so I'm automatically worried that something has happened.
Stepfather: You need to come home now! Your mother has broken the telephone. And she's drunk!
Me: I'm 5 minutes away. Don't scare me like that!
Stepfather: You haven't seen anything yet...
At home, my mother is in the kitchen frying steak and gulping a martini.
I fix the phone, mother is giggling...
Stepfather: This is awful... simply awful!
Mother: I've been drunker.
Me: How did the phone break?
Mother: I dropped it.
Mother: Against the wall.
Me: Were you talking to your mother or sister
Mother: My sister. And I super glued my fingers together...
AN HOUR LATER:
Stepfather: I'm reading War & Peace. There's too much peace, not enough war.
Mother: At least its not Anna Karenina.
Me: I liked both.
Mother: Anna Karenina was a manic depressive idiot. Left her husband and kids for a guy going off to war- well I'll tell you, there's a reason he left too. She was a nut job... threw herself on a railroad track! Certifiable basket case, that one.
Stepfather: Tolstoy's an okay writer- but if he lived today he'd be the best soap opera writer of all time!
Me: I need a drink.